Stevie (“TightBuns”) Harper’s “Perfectly Clear” HitchHiker’s Guide to BizzaroLand

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While it is of course easy to guffaw (if you are so inclined) or empty your stomach or go into a demented clown postal worker gone serial killer mode at what the Harperites (tm)  are up to, none of that will make an iota of difference to them.

Being the friendly type,

“His Majesty, The Right Honourable Emperor of Harper’s BizzaroLand”

prefers being addressed simply as

“Sir Stephen Harper of the TarSands” – an Enbridge affiliate since 2004

or in casual situations simply with the sole approved abbreviation

“St. Harper – patron Saint of BigOil”

note: regular contributions required to maintain eligibility.

You need to realize that Harperites are of considerable value in a resource based economy as they are denser and more rigid than old growth hardwood. The Harperites even build their party platform based on the incredibly dense rigidity of their members.

Not to mention the considerable attention received by

St. Harper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

for exactly the same reason – their incredible denseness and seemingly endless rigidity of their members (photos available on request or via Frr):

St. Harper & The Rigid Members – the Banned A HerringBoner Tribute (c) 2014

Backed up & back-ended by the

CaabaabaahNet BrownNosers (circ) 1953

The term “old growth” of course also means little relevant to the Harperites (or at least little that they can comprehend) since the –

Brown Bags for Harper’s CRAP (c) 2015 A tax-deductible CPC CRAP campaign

campaign assures donators that

Harper’s RCMPimps and Ride-a-Mare Stables (tm) L. Harper 2000

will look the other way as all old-growth animals, vegetation and minerals are exterminated for an extra 3 or 5% “performance bonus” for

Harper’s Country Club Buddies LLC – unLimited no-Liability Company est:2006

Saying “old growth” to a Harperite just has them thinking about those persistent fungal genital warts that just refuse to go away – sort of like Harper himself – a fungus that refuses to go away– again to simply realize the bargain that killing gene species for real $$$$s is compared to the minor indirect cost of destroying humanity’s future which won’t happen during their term in office anyway. Job creation for future generations of St. Harper’s CRAP-hired Pubic Servants.

But, again, that is the simplistic “logic” and “reason” and “reality” perspective – all delusions of the not-Right Left and concepts outlawed in Canada/Harper’s Bizzaro Land as

Conservatives in the Senate (courtesy PM Harper & the PMO-SS)

aka: PMO: Pubescent Men-in-short-pants Operations aka Our Sexy Singles

see: Senate Cons, PMO – SS, WMD: “Who Me? I Didn’t Know” (tm) St. Harper 2006-2015

in-camera sub-amendment motion 123.b (3) to the totally unrelated omnibus RailSafeTies bill C-**, passed by unanimous

Majority-of-those-who-Matter  (c) 2008 Harper’s Rigid Members LLC

Have it Our Way (tm) Harper’s Brown Bag Fundraising 2015

Time Allocation and Closure of Debate (c) 2008 Harper’s CRAP BrownNosers LLC

This triple-pronged strategy represents the unique Harperite solution to the vexxing problem of “Democracy”.

A logical, reasonable, Perfectly Clear (tm) response which has no chance in Hell of working with Harperites or their Demon “associate members”. So …

Let’s all work co-operatively to see if we can find some way to salvage

Harper’s Own CRAP (Conservative Reform Alliance Party) (c) 2006 Harper’s Rigid Members LLC

positions by making them at least self-consistent – the minor expectation of a Grade 2 education level … yes, I know… they don’t have the equivalency yet, but we have to make allowances for “special” people too. It’s kind to be kind… kind of.

At a minimum, the intellectually capable should be drawn to the intriguing challenge of making the illogical logical, the immoral moral, the inconsistent consistent et al and al and ala Al Worthington, Sun News, Fox GrandNews and BigOil NewsMgmt Inc. …. but I digress.

As Walt loved to say “I love to do the impossible. It’s kinda fun.” SteveJ and RichardB and JohnnyD and EllenD and StephenS and lots of others have a similar left picture window view.

First you must realize that the Harperites live in Harper’s Bizzaro Land – a parallel Universe where good is bad, and bad is good, and Right is wrong and what’s Left is right. Of course this means the Harperites believe that Right is always right even when it is wrong. After all the Right must be right, right? Any dumb-as-a-Stepford-Conservative-Blonde knows what is Right is RIGHT and what is Left is WRONG – by definition…. duh.

What is Left is left to clean up the wrongs of the Right which is always wrong (but THINK they are right since the Right has the Might to ALWAYS be RIGHT – right?). BE CAREFUL with your answer ! The Drone is listening and targetting is on automatic (“Yes Sir St. Stephen” is the generally accepted response as per the

“New CRAP Member’s Guide & List of Enemies” (c) Harper’s Own PMO & SS 2008

God (that of course being the Heavenly manifestation of St. Stephen) knows

St. Stephen & the BrownNose Wipes

(aka “Harper & the CabaabaahNit Twits of Stepford Highland Sheep”)

need help in explaining how anything they did, do or plan to do makes any coherent sense – since they can’t explain it, won’t explain it even to themselves & look like deer caught in headlights if anyone – especially the evil “Press” – dares to ask “WTF is going on?”.

So, with the required preliminary definition of perfectly clear terms established – we can move on to explain how the government of “St. Harper & The BrownNosers”’s policy, platform and bills are in fact entirely consistent with the underlying platform of the

Incredibly Rigid Members of CRAP.

Perfectly Clear ? ™

In the Beginning

It all started with the immigration applications of two aging Russian ladies of the night…

Chris (Heil Harper) Alexander under pressure from the Conservative Harperite base voters decides to not allow young foreign lady workers into the country but exempts and approves all applications from Grandmothers, thus ensuring the aging Russian working women can gain entry into Canada under the TFW (Terrorized Foreign Worker) program. This achieves several strategic goals of providing professional services at the minimum possible expenditure to the Conservative Caaabaabaah-net and voting base using sub minimum wage expulsion-threat-held-to-the-head Terrified Foreign Working GrandMothers.

Omnibus Fair Elections Act Amendment TFW-WG (c) 2010 C. Alexander, J. Kenney, PMO SS.

All debate requests require prior approval by His Eminence & Majesty Lord BlackHeart

This amendment also placated Mr. Putin, a close friend and personal buddy of St. Harper, in the lead up to the Sochi Olympics. Mr. Putin could replace all the aging working women with fresh recruits in time for the Olympic delegations under his own TFNNWWWG-FM program,

Timely, “Friendly” – NudgeNudge–Wink, Wink, Working Girls – Fresh Meat.

及時,“友好” – NudgeNudge-眨眼,眨眼,工作的女孩 – 鮮肉(三)2014年主席鮑里斯·

Jíshí,“yǒuhǎo” – NudgeNudge-zhǎyǎn, zhǎyǎn, gōngzuò de nǚhái – xiānròu

(sān)2014 nián zhǔxí bào lǐsī·

It was however necessary to declare “Stephen Harper & the BrownNose Wipes”’s strong personal objection to the Russian attempts to manage their own “affairs” by declaring a policy of approving all Gay Russian immigration requests on the basis of them being refugees at risk.

Redefining the Harper’s Bizzaro meaning of “refugee” will prove crucial in aligning with the policies of the other Sub-Prime Ministries in

Stephen Harper’s CRAP government

Conservative Reform Alliance Party of Harper’s Bizzaro Land – previously known as Canada

Thus, in a brilliant strategic move, the young whippersnappers in the SS PMO (also the name of their meet-the-”public” vacation yacht since SS. Titanic was already taken) re-arranged the deck chairs attempting to avoid certain disaster.

This also aligned with the inevitable ban of all imports from the best-buddy Evil Communist Leader with the Sexy Chest – Putin

See: In-Camera Conservative Senate Sub-Amendment BBECLwtSC-P to the

Bill FU-2: Railway Safety and Feeding Children … I Don’t Think So Act

sponsor 2013 J. Moore CPC-CRAP 

Important Note: Working Russian Grandmothers “grandfathered” as an exception

NO recording devices allowed during the show

In the SS PMO’s Stepford Borg consciousness: SS-PMO-SBC ™ St. Harper this would align with the planned banning of all men seeking sex with women other than palliative care aging Conservatives – the primary voting base most precious to Harper’s CRAP (c) St. Harper. & the MSSM community so close to

Harper’s Rigid Member’s members of the CRAP.

Without belabouring the explanation I think you can see how Perfectly Clear ™ the Policy and Platform (PP guaranteed) – also known as “PC-PP from CRAP”(tm) is.

You’re welcome.

In our next installment we clarify

St. Harper’s Guide to Election Fraud – the 2015 Edition V3 Rockets

Harper - The Demon Unmasked

Harper’s Legacy – The Demon Unmasked

Chap 2: Eliminating Voter Fraud – “Special” cleansing booths for non-CRAP members’ members (and ALL Press Scum)

Harper Saskatoon vehicular assault fascism Gaza mound of bodies Caption Gaza Baby Harper Laureen You are OUT Palin Pig Sodos - Face side down

Gonna lose? Scorch the Earth !!

Gonna lose? Scorch the Earth !!

Addnausea Addundum-ass-Harper

Pulling the Dragon's Tale

Pulling the Dragon’s Tale

Shoot First – ask questions later


PMO staff march in tribute to Emperor Harper

PMO staff march in tribute to Emperor Harper

Dateline Calgary – Sunion News Network special report Thunder Eagle Cottrell

 In a bold new initiative to regain flagging support among their fundamentalist base, the Harper government has announced the first of it’s innovative new “shoot first, ask questions later” policy.

The first of a broad spectrum of improvements was announced today by Justice Minister Peter MacKay with Stephen Harper offering his support by salivating and licking his lips in the background.

“The sex trade industry agrees that our “take the balls in our hands” approach will likely result in many deaths in the trade” crowed Minister MacKay.

“With luck we can kill ALL the bastards off.”

That’ll teach the Supreme Court to fuck with the policies of the Emperor of Harper’s BizzaroLand (previously known as “Canada”).

Among the many benefits expected from the new policies are significant drops in the rate of prostitution, confirmed by a Fraser Institute study indicating that a death rate of 20% will likely result in a 20% decrease in activity in the trade (+/- 3% in 95% of the test samples).

Others in Harper’s inner circle of cabinet sycophants were quick to point out that they would not be left behind in adopting the new policy. In a barely audible statement from Pierre Poilievre (until he removed his deeply browned nose from the Prime Minister’s ass), the Minister confirmed that there would be a non-debatable amendment applied to the new Fair Elections act.

Given the lukewarm reception to the initial “only Conservative supporters get to vote” initiatives, Minister Poilievre announced his “final solution”… If voters enter polling stations without the required three pieces of ID  ( including their compulsory Harper’s Bizaar Conservative Party membership ID ) they will be directed to the “special polling stations”.

Looking for all intents and purposes like any other shower room, the modern “cleansing stations” are said to be almost totally soundproof.

“Unlike earlier implementations we have almost entirely solved the problem of the screams of agony being audible as the gas takes effect” re-assured special consultant to the PMO, Wolfgang Eichmann.

“My Grandfather was never able to achieve the levels of soundproofing that we can with modern technology” he assured Harper’s cabinet in their weekly Reichsmeeting.

Chris Alexander flashed his trademark grin as he announced changes to Canada’s immigration policies… Rather than allow the turds to consume any of our True Canadian’s birthrights  ( with “True Canadians” again defined as those holding Harper’s Bizzare Conservative Party membership cards… the Minister hopes to deploy the new cleansing stations conveniently at all ports of entry into Canada.

“As always, we expect the members on the other side of the house will attempt to block our bold cost savings initiatives for purely political reasons,

“We can assure Canadians that we will thwart their political schemes to abuse Democracy using those detestable Democratic debates by using our democratic weapons of time allocation and closure” re-assured Minister Alexander.

“Those” people even refuse to admit that the gold taken from the teeth alone will go a long ways towards balancing the Federal budget in 2015″ interjected an obviously disgusted Jason Kenney.

Asked when she would deploy the new policy in her Ministry, Michele Rempel, the Minister of Sitting behind the PM, responded by flicking her head and asking whether anyone knew how to get to level 2 in Angry Birds.

Minister Baird replied that the young man kneeling at his feet could likely assist Minister Rempel as soon as he was finished with his “devotions”.

Meanwhile ReichsMaster Harper continued to drool in the background at his apparent victory.

– with files from the Northern Foundation, Citizens Coalition for Canada and Nuremberg Memorial Museum.

Conservative Party Rally to annex Neighbours

Conservative Party Rally

ReichsMeeting at the Stadt-lledome

CALGARY – Faced with serious concerns by many Canadians and challenges raised by the opposition parties to the Harper Government plan to annex the North Pole, the Chancellor of the Right himself granted a rare public speaking engagement during a rally at the RightStadt’s Calgary Stadt-lledome.

After all the rally-ers had been systematically rally-ed and their 12kv Rally Enhancement(tm) nipple rings connected to Chancellor’s remote, the first of the backbench BrownNoser branch of the party rose to speak.

“The Chancellor has been perfectly clear – my father will have rights to all pizza franchises in the region.”

After thunderous 12kv enhanced applause another backbench BrownNoser stood.

“Is it the Harper Government’s problem whether children get gifts at Christmas? I don’t think so!”

But the Backbench BrownNosers were just warming the platform for the Chancellor’s inner circle. The Stadt-ledome nearly collapsed under the applause following the next speaker’s message that struck to the very heart (or hole where said heart often is) of the Harper Government economic deformity platform.

“Some of those elitist Elfers claim they won’t be able to pay the new surcharges on their disgusting behaviour. We know that is all nonsense. They can just sell a bit of their property.”

(aide: “the only property they own is the property we gave development rights to Enbridge in return for their brown envelope donations”)

“well, then there is always a market in our new Northern: Bet-your-Fracking *&% Natural Gas fields development – for cute, little, apparently untainted service (nudge, nudge) workers – as long as they are not young foreigners. Then they are unpaid Economic deformity plan interns.”

“Either way, I don’t care but the little buggers are gonna foot the bill for what we do.”

When asked by the party faithful what to do about the near universal objection among Canadians about the party’s activities, the Chancellor summarized his position:

Harper Damn Caption

Conservative MP promotes Prohibition and removing long gun registry

Bergen legion

Dec 7 2013: Cornwall, Ontario

Conservative MP for Portage-Lisgar (Manitoba) and Minister of State for Social Development Candace Bergen met in the Cornwall Legion for the local Conservative association 2013 fall breakfast.

Originally scheduled for the more upscale Best Western Lodge and Conference center it had to be moved when the association president pointed out that all our boys are at the legion anyway and most are still sleeping Friday night off in the Legion chairs on Saturday morning.

The meeting got off to a great start with a speech using the now common “Back in Time” strategy which combines the benefits of warm nostalgia with capitalizing on the failing memories of the target audience. Bergen began with a lengthy dissertation of issues with the long-gun registry. The outrage stirred the Legion Conservatives to a near fever pitch – three woke up and one asked to be excused to the men’s room.

Unfortunately during the Q&A one person unauthorized to be present, a recently immigrated Filipino janitor working as an unpaid intern at the Legion in order to “gain job experience” under the Conservative Economic Action Plan, innocently stated that he had heard the long-gun registry was legislated out of existence long ago.

Minister Bergen replied “I have been perfectly clear on that issue – there WILL be pizza for brunch” and called a brief recess. Unconfirmed reports have her placed at the back of the Legion on her cell phone “just touching base” with Minister of Citizenship and Immigration Chris Alexander.

Ms. Bergen made a compelling case for non-legalization and continued prohibition on the production and use of marijuana. She pointed out to those present, many of whom nodded in agreement from personal experience, at the many benefits of Prohibition. The speakeasy kept alcohol away from children, allowed an important industry to flourish in troubled times, and provided an extremely stable and reliable flow of under-the-table funding to the party and MPs. Likewise for the Prohibition on marijuana in this century. As she summarized, “without Prohibition our hush money payoffs from the biker gangs would drop like a stone.”

The members in attendance many of whom, during honorable Military service had been stationed in or traveled to the Far East, Middle East and Northern Europe agreed that the use of marijuana was detestable and swore that they had never used it or even if they had they couldn’t remember as it was only while they were in a dazed stupor on Hashish or Opium.