Dateline Calgary – Sunion News Network special report Thunder Eagle Cottrell
In a bold new initiative to regain flagging support among their fundamentalist base, the Harper government has announced the first of it’s innovative new “shoot first, ask questions later” policy.
The first of a broad spectrum of improvements was announced today by Justice Minister Peter MacKay with Stephen Harper offering his support by salivating and licking his lips in the background.
“The sex trade industry agrees that our “take the balls in our hands” approach will likely result in many deaths in the trade” crowed Minister MacKay.
“With luck we can kill ALL the bastards off.”
That’ll teach the Supreme Court to fuck with the policies of the Emperor of Harper’s BizzaroLand (previously known as “Canada”).
Among the many benefits expected from the new policies are significant drops in the rate of prostitution, confirmed by a Fraser Institute study indicating that a death rate of 20% will likely result in a 20% decrease in activity in the trade (+/- 3% in 95% of the test samples).
Others in Harper’s inner circle of cabinet sycophants were quick to point out that they would not be left behind in adopting the new policy. In a barely audible statement from Pierre Poilievre (until he removed his deeply browned nose from the Prime Minister’s ass), the Minister confirmed that there would be a non-debatable amendment applied to the new Fair Elections act.
Given the lukewarm reception to the initial “only Conservative supporters get to vote” initiatives, Minister Poilievre announced his “final solution”… If voters enter polling stations without the required three pieces of ID ( including their compulsory Harper’s Bizaar Conservative Party membership ID ) they will be directed to the “special polling stations”.
Looking for all intents and purposes like any other shower room, the modern “cleansing stations” are said to be almost totally soundproof.
“Unlike earlier implementations we have almost entirely solved the problem of the screams of agony being audible as the gas takes effect” re-assured special consultant to the PMO, Wolfgang Eichmann.
“My Grandfather was never able to achieve the levels of soundproofing that we can with modern technology” he assured Harper’s cabinet in their weekly Reichsmeeting.
Chris Alexander flashed his trademark grin as he announced changes to Canada’s immigration policies… Rather than allow the turds to consume any of our True Canadian’s birthrights ( with “True Canadians” again defined as those holding Harper’s Bizzare Conservative Party membership cards… the Minister hopes to deploy the new cleansing stations conveniently at all ports of entry into Canada.
“As always, we expect the members on the other side of the house will attempt to block our bold cost savings initiatives for purely political reasons,
“We can assure Canadians that we will thwart their political schemes to abuse Democracy using those detestable Democratic debates by using our democratic weapons of time allocation and closure” re-assured Minister Alexander.
“Those” people even refuse to admit that the gold taken from the teeth alone will go a long ways towards balancing the Federal budget in 2015″ interjected an obviously disgusted Jason Kenney.
Asked when she would deploy the new policy in her Ministry, Michele Rempel, the Minister of Sitting behind the PM, responded by flicking her head and asking whether anyone knew how to get to level 2 in Angry Birds.
Minister Baird replied that the young man kneeling at his feet could likely assist Minister Rempel as soon as he was finished with his “devotions”.
Meanwhile ReichsMaster Harper continued to drool in the background at his apparent victory.
- with files from the Northern Foundation, Citizens Coalition for Canada and Nuremberg Memorial Museum.
CALGARY – Faced with serious concerns by many Canadians and challenges raised by the opposition parties to the Harper Government plan to annex the North Pole, the Chancellor of the Right himself granted a rare public speaking engagement during a rally at the RightStadt’s Calgary Stadt-lledome.
After all the rally-ers had been systematically rally-ed and their 12kv Rally Enhancement(tm) nipple rings connected to Chancellor’s remote, the first of the backbench BrownNoser branch of the party rose to speak.
“The Chancellor has been perfectly clear – my father will have rights to all pizza franchises in the region.”
After thunderous 12kv enhanced applause another backbench BrownNoser stood.
“Is it the Harper Government’s problem whether children get gifts at Christmas? I don’t think so!”
But the Backbench BrownNosers were just warming the platform for the Chancellor’s inner circle. The Stadt-ledome nearly collapsed under the applause following the next speaker’s message that struck to the very heart (or hole where said heart often is) of the Harper Government economic deformity platform.
“Some of those elitist Elfers claim they won’t be able to pay the new surcharges on their disgusting behaviour. We know that is all nonsense. They can just sell a bit of their property.”
(aide: “the only property they own is the property we gave development rights to Enbridge in return for their brown envelope donations”)
“well, then there is always a market in our new Northern: Bet-your-Fracking *&% Natural Gas fields development – for cute, little, apparently untainted service (nudge, nudge) workers – as long as they are not young foreigners. Then they are unpaid Economic deformity plan interns.”
“Either way, I don’t care but the little buggers are gonna foot the bill for what we do.”
When asked by the party faithful what to do about the near universal objection among Canadians about the party’s activities, the Chancellor summarized his position:
Dec 7 2013: Cornwall, Ontario
Conservative MP for Portage-Lisgar (Manitoba) and Minister of State for Social Development Candace Bergen met in the Cornwall Legion for the local Conservative association 2013 fall breakfast.
Originally scheduled for the more upscale Best Western Lodge and Conference center it had to be moved when the association president pointed out that all our boys are at the legion anyway and most are still sleeping Friday night off in the Legion chairs on Saturday morning.
The meeting got off to a great start with a speech using the now common “Back in Time” strategy which combines the benefits of warm nostalgia with capitalizing on the failing memories of the target audience. Bergen began with a lengthy dissertation of issues with the long-gun registry. The outrage stirred the Legion Conservatives to a near fever pitch – three woke up and one asked to be excused to the men’s room.
Unfortunately during the Q&A one person unauthorized to be present, a recently immigrated Filipino janitor working as an unpaid intern at the Legion in order to “gain job experience” under the Conservative Economic Action Plan, innocently stated that he had heard the long-gun registry was legislated out of existence long ago.
Minister Bergen replied “I have been perfectly clear on that issue – there WILL be pizza for brunch” and called a brief recess. Unconfirmed reports have her placed at the back of the Legion on her cell phone “just touching base” with Minister of Citizenship and Immigration Chris Alexander.
Ms. Bergen made a compelling case for non-legalization and continued prohibition on the production and use of marijuana. She pointed out to those present, many of whom nodded in agreement from personal experience, at the many benefits of Prohibition. The speakeasy kept alcohol away from children, allowed an important industry to flourish in troubled times, and provided an extremely stable and reliable flow of under-the-table funding to the party and MPs. Likewise for the Prohibition on marijuana in this century. As she summarized, “without Prohibition our hush money payoffs from the biker gangs would drop like a stone.”
The members in attendance many of whom, during honorable Military service had been stationed in or traveled to the Far East, Middle East and Northern Europe agreed that the use of marijuana was detestable and swore that they had never used it or even if they had they couldn’t remember as it was only while they were in a dazed stupor on Hashish or Opium.